Who Am I really???

Now before you panic, don't worry... This is not going to be one of those tell every detail of your life kind of posts. Nobody cares that when I was a kid I had two cats named Ginger and cinnamon, except maybe my mom. I just thought that before I continued this blog that I would stop and tell you a bit about who I am... And by who I am I just mean the important stuff... The stuff that shapes all the choices, decisions and forms the core of who I am.... Here goes:

My teenage years were a mess... My parents had just split up and I felt torn between the two... I felt alone. I felt sad. I didn't feel as though I belonged anywhere and I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved or accepted. I lived for Friday and Saturday nights when I could get drunk, high or both and for a few hours step away from myself only to crash into the next day still the same old me, just with a few extra things to feel bad about.

I moved away from home right after high school. For the next year and a half I lived with a close friend and her family. They were great people and they accepted me without any real reservations but still I felt alone. I got a boyfriend who was kind and who loved me; still I felt alone.

Most of my friends were already having sex and they "seemed" to be happy so I decided sex must be the key to filling the void. I really wanted it to be the key I was looking for so I jumped into a sexual relationship with my boyfriend but I still felt alone. As I searched for a way to fill the emptiness that was spreading throughout me, I made destructive choices, effectively ending the relationship between my boyfriend and I. I sought to escape my life and jumped into a lifestyle of bad choices with both feet only to end up a college drop out, pregnant and yet again alone and empty inside.

It was late one night, my 9 month old daughter tucked away into bed for the night when everything hit me... I didn't know who I was anymore, my life seemed meaningless. I knew there was a God and I had even asked Him to be a part of my life as a kid but He sure wasn't doing anything for me now, so what was the point? I was setting myself up for a major pity party when out of the corner of my eye I saw my army issued Bible. I can't give you any real reason why I picked it up that night except that I had the overwhelming feeling that this might be my last chance to find what was missing. I opened it to the Gospels and started reading. They were the same old stories I had heard as a kid but this time they felt relevant to me and I started to get excited as Jesus to be real to me again. I flipped through the books of the New Testament until I came to John 3:16, the only verse I had memorized as a child, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". I finally Got IT!!! I finally understood that Jesus came to pay the penalty for the wrong doings of the entire would; including me and that it was only through Him that I could have eternal life. But most importantly I realized that Jesus still loved me... It was truly a EUREKA moment. I was filled with such shame at all the disobedience in my life but with the shame I also felt hope... Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

So I closed my eyes and prayed, asking God for forgiveness and asking Him once again to be part of my life. And if this were a fairy tale story I could end by saying I lived happily ever after but life is not a fairy tale and my problems did not dissolve because I had found God... The only thing that changed was my outlook... I was no longer alone in my struggles. I had a deep sense of belonging to someone. Somebody cared deeply, passionately about me. That made all the difference. It was no longer me against the world but the creator of the world lovingly holding me up, guiding me through the world and all it's problems.

Everyday is not roses, and everyday I need to remember who is holding me up... As you will see in my next post.

So there you have it in a nutshell... Jesus is what makes me tick... What about you?