Struggling but Strengthening
Last week was rough. After four years of getting up and going to school in September, I didn't. I brought my daughter, Kasey to school, had an undramatic good-bye with her, went home and realized I had nothing to do... Oh sure, there were chores to be done, planning for KIDS R.O.C.K., classified's to read... but there was no set event to occur... no real schedule that must be followed... Essentially I felt somewhat useless, a bit hopeless and lost. Everybody's life seemed to be going on, moving forward, and I was stuck in what felt like 'no man's land'.
My frustrations and fears presented themselves in two ways: tears and anger. I cried a lot, seemingly over stupid things, like a sappy commercial but the roots of the tears went much deeper. And I was angry beyond belief. This was not just a bad mood... this was a slow seething rage... a white hot anger. It didn't help my mood any that for 2 days my Bible sat unopened and praying was a non-existent event. I was sinking into a pit of despair... of destruction.
Thankfully, Kasey, at breakfast on the third day or my 'reign of terror', placed her Bible on the table and quietly but pointedly stated that I hadn't read the Bible to her in a couple of days. In all honesty, reading the Bible was the absolute last thing that I wanted to do. In fact, what I really wanted to do was yell at her, telling her to leave me alone and mind her own business... Thankfully at some basic core level I knew that it was my responsibility to read the Word with her. Also, I was aware of my terrible mood and tried to not unleash it on her, so grudgingly, without any enthusiasm, I opened up her Bible to 1 Samuel and decided to read it to her as quickly as possible because I wanted it to be over as soon as possible.
All I can say is "PRAISE GOD FOR HIS WORD". There was no revelation in the chapeter I read, I didn't have an epiphany, things that were fuzzy did not suddenly become clear.... BUT God's power was evident. Like a heating pad soothes an ache, God's word began to soothe me. Even as I read, I could feel the anger lifting.
I don't want to sound dramatic or fluffy but when I started reading I was one hateful, grumpy woman and when I finished that chapter in 1 Samuel I was more relaxed, the anger was gone and I could think without sarcasm and cynisism clouding every thought.
It was then that I recalled a prayer I had said month earlier. I had asked God to make my body, my mind, my whole being physically dependant on Him and His Word. I had prayed that I would not be able to function with out it. That if I didn't spend time in His Word that my days would be unlivable. Never before in my Christian walk have I ever had such a strong and obvious answer to prayer.
Not only did this episode in my life remind me how dependant I actually am on God but also it reaffirmed His hand, His power, His authority in my life. I was reminded that I am not alone in this life.
Now I have no desire to pretend that all things are hunky dory now because of that one day. I have cried a lot still in the last few days. My future is still very much up in the air and I don't know what God has called me to. I have great uncertainty and I still don't feel like I am receiving an any answers from Him concerning this BUT my hope is renewed because I was so stongly reminded that He hears my prayers and He answers them.... in His OWN time.
I get frustrated, I get worried, I get sad and scared but I chose to keep my hope and my trust secure in Christ and day by day, with Him, I will deal with the issues I struggle with. I will seek my strength from Him and I will remind myself that when I stumble, grumble and fall He will pick me up. I am not alone.