Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Struggling but Strengthening

Last week was rough. After four years of getting up and going to school in September, I didn't. I brought my daughter, Kasey to school, had an undramatic good-bye with her, went home and realized I had nothing to do... Oh sure, there were chores to be done, planning for KIDS R.O.C.K., classified's to read... but there was no set event to occur... no real schedule that must be followed... Essentially I felt somewhat useless, a bit hopeless and lost. Everybody's life seemed to be going on, moving forward, and I was stuck in what felt like 'no man's land'.
My frustrations and fears presented themselves in two ways: tears and anger. I cried a lot, seemingly over stupid things, like a sappy commercial but the roots of the tears went much deeper. And I was angry beyond belief. This was not just a bad mood... this was a slow seething rage... a white hot anger. It didn't help my mood any that for 2 days my Bible sat unopened and praying was a non-existent event. I was sinking into a pit of despair... of destruction.
Thankfully, Kasey, at breakfast on the third day or my 'reign of terror', placed her Bible on the table and quietly but pointedly stated that I hadn't read the Bible to her in a couple of days. In all honesty, reading the Bible was the absolute last thing that I wanted to do. In fact, what I really wanted to do was yell at her, telling her to leave me alone and mind her own business... Thankfully at some basic core level I knew that it was my responsibility to read the Word with her. Also, I was aware of my terrible mood and tried to not unleash it on her, so grudgingly, without any enthusiasm, I opened up her Bible to 1 Samuel and decided to read it to her as quickly as possible because I wanted it to be over as soon as possible.
All I can say is "PRAISE GOD FOR HIS WORD". There was no revelation in the chapeter I read, I didn't have an epiphany, things that were fuzzy did not suddenly become clear.... BUT God's power was evident. Like a heating pad soothes an ache, God's word began to soothe me. Even as I read, I could feel the anger lifting.
I don't want to sound dramatic or fluffy but when I started reading I was one hateful, grumpy woman and when I finished that chapter in 1 Samuel I was more relaxed, the anger was gone and I could think without sarcasm and cynisism clouding every thought.
It was then that I recalled a prayer I had said month earlier. I had asked God to make my body, my mind, my whole being physically dependant on Him and His Word. I had prayed that I would not be able to function with out it. That if I didn't spend time in His Word that my days would be unlivable. Never before in my Christian walk have I ever had such a strong and obvious answer to prayer.
Not only did this episode in my life remind me how dependant I actually am on God but also it reaffirmed His hand, His power, His authority in my life. I was reminded that I am not alone in this life.
Now I have no desire to pretend that all things are hunky dory now because of that one day. I have cried a lot still in the last few days. My future is still very much up in the air and I don't know what God has called me to. I have great uncertainty and I still don't feel like I am receiving an any answers from Him concerning this BUT my hope is renewed because I was so stongly reminded that He hears my prayers and He answers them.... in His OWN time.
I get frustrated, I get worried, I get sad and scared but I chose to keep my hope and my trust secure in Christ and day by day, with Him, I will deal with the issues I struggle with. I will seek my strength from Him and I will remind myself that when I stumble, grumble and fall He will pick me up. I am not alone.
PRAISE GOD!!!

11 Comments:

At 11:39 a.m., Blogger Shelley L. MacKenzie said...

Amen! I understand what you are going through - I really do. Even though I chose to go back to school again for another year, I still feel so unsure of where my future is leading and what I am supposed to do. It's like I told Stephanie the other day at church - I feel like an 18 year old not knowing what I want to be when I grow up.

Maybe what I need is to get closer to God, to imerse myself more into His Word and pray more than I do now - and at a deeper level so that I can hear what He is trying to tell me, what direction He wants me to go...I hate being 37 and not having direction, not knowing what to do, etc. I feel like it wouldn't matter so much (or as bad) if I were in my early 20's...but at my age I should have some stability (job, etc.) shouldn't I?

 
At 2:44 p.m., Blogger What's my Mission said...

Shelley:
i don't think it matters what age you are... I am in my 20's and it is just as frustrating... no one wants to be flopping around, wondering what there life path is suppose to be... we need to be praying for each other girl...

 
At 10:46 p.m., Blogger Shelley L. MacKenzie said...

I'm praying for you :o) and have been too.

 
At 6:06 p.m., Blogger franky said...

I think that I should sit down and pray similar prayer. It is so easy as a procrastinator to say "Oh I'll pray later" or "I should really sit down and read my bible" it's another thing entirely to actually do it. You always have such powerful insight. Thank you for the indirect encouragement through this blog. And for all the encouragement out in the real world...

 
At 4:37 a.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi, kristina. i always thank God for being there for me when my life gets in a mess once in a while. He understands me more than i understand myself. and whatever we're going through, prayers can do a lot more than we can imagine. it gets us a step forward towards the light. God bless you... (((HUGS)))

 
At 11:20 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

happy new year, kristina.

 
At 12:28 a.m., Blogger Unknown said...

Wow, Im blessed to have stumbled upon this. I am going through that same time currently and your experience has led to my cracking open His word again.

 
At 12:26 a.m., Blogger Krystina said...

Thank you. I searched mystery google, and this is what came up, for some reason. I think it was God, because I needed to read exactly what you wrote.

 
At 6:27 a.m., Anonymous Jimmy M said...

I'm glad i'm not the only one confused and scared about my future. I have taken two quaters off college and want to go back just to have a schedule and something to do! 19 years young tho! I have plenty of time!

 
At 3:03 p.m., Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel pettry much the same, I don't know what to do. I keep asking god for help to have the sthrength to keep on going in life, but it seems that isn't time yet for me to be happy.

WHAT CAN I DO?

 
At 5:33 a.m., Anonymous Marie said...

I came across this blog on mystery google and I am so glad I did. It is so refreshing to see how much everyone loves God. I am in college and I am in the same boat as most of you here... not knowing what path to take and what to do. I recently got a book called "His Princess" and it is my favorite book I own. It is letters from The Lord Almighty telling all this children to trust him, no matter what. I read a few pages daily and it helps put all my trust in Him. I hope this can help someone!

 

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