God Given Guilt???
This week has been hard for me. I am not 100% sure why but I feel really unenthusiastic and lonely. The church that I go to has been in a real baby boom and while one part of me is really happy for all the couples a part of me is struggling against the green eyed monster. Yes, I admit it, I am jealous... No sense in hiding it. It ain't pretty but it is the truth and that is what I am aiming for here... The whole truth and nothing but.
I long (isn't that an old fashioned word) to have a husband. The companionship and the intimacy of marriage. Someone to share dreams with, worries with, joys with, sorrow with. I long for my daughter to have a father. A father who loves her with the fierce protective love that only a father can have for his little girl. Someone she can look up to, campare future boyfriends too.... (God, my heart breaks for her loss. Will this hearts desire of mine ever be fulfilled?)
It is so hard to know that she is growing up without a father because of my sin... I know that I am forgiven by God but will I ever be able forgive myself? The guilt I have seems so unsurmountable, yet I know it is not from God. How do I get past it? I don't know. (Lord, please show me the way to your peace, your forgiveness.)
How can the guilt not be awakened when she asks such innocent questions about the man who fathered her. It breaks my heart to hear it. Just a few days ago she asked me, "Where does my father on earth live?" And as time marches on, the way it must, I am sure her questions will become more frequent and more specific. (Lord give me the wisdom and strength to bear up under the weight of such necessary questions.)
And what about her earthly father? Is his heart not grieved knowing there is a little girl growing up, not knowing who he is? How can it not be? I don't understand his indifferance. And I don't understand God's firm no to me when I ask for her fathers involvement but I am truly learning to accept His ways and His will but don't be fooled... the battle of wills still rages inside me. (Father, God please bring someone into both of our lives to fill that void.... But I know better Lord. You are the filler of emptiness and no man could ever take that place fromm you. Don't let me be deceived. Without you, oh Lord I would truly be lost.)
Perhaps that is the problem... Perhaps I haven't let you in fully to fill the hole that is in me. Perhaps I am searching so hard for a temporary solution while the Lord offers a permanent one. He is truly the only one that can fill me up... Why do I try to run on empty? Even after four years, I still try to run on empty, until what is right becomes distorted to me and I look for other ways to fill the void. (How, oh my Lord do I turn it all over to you? Please Lord, show me the way to finally and forever surrender myself to you.)
I went to the Bible after this and read Psalms 118 and 119. These verses spoke to me, reemphasizing what I need to do... what will keep me filled with the good of my savior.
Psalm 118: 8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."
Psalm 119: 9 -11 "How can a young man keep his way pure? by living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart, do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that i might not sin against you."
Psalm 119: 28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Amen!
posted by What's my Mission @ 9:36 p.m.
4 comments
4 Comments:
Awww...I know your heart aches over this, and in a way I feel your pain...though not the way you do because I am not in that situation and can't feel that kind of pain. I guess the pain I feel is knowing that this grieves you so deeply.
Yes, God can fill that hole and we must allow Him to do so. He does have His reasons for why He says "no" to allowing your daughter's father to play a role in her life. We don't always know His reasons but they are for the best...afterall, He sees the big picture while we only see a little tiny portion of it.
You are right in that the guilt you feel is not from God. Satan is trying to get you to dwell on your past sins (even though they are forgiven) and not on God. When we dwell on our sins (past or present) we are focused on us and what we have done. We need to seek the Lord in this, allow Him to cleanse us and set us free. Once we are forgiven, God has removed it and He no longer sees it so we need to stop focusing on it. It is hard, but only with His help can we overcome it.
I will keep you and your situation in my prayers my dear friend. You and K are very special to me.
Thank you for sharing your pain. As a mom we are so concerned for the well being of a little one and rarely remember how simple life once was. I'm sorry your heart is hurting. Hugs to you and her.
I noticed that you have a link on your side bar, and I bet it's probably to Paula, but you put the wrong link in. It's probably www.believengod.com You have put an 'i' before believe. Paula is so great and so is Shelley. Hi up there Shelley!
I guess the best response is to write, "I'm so sorry to hear about your pain. The journey must be difficult." You seem to be wrestling with the issue(s) in healthy and meaningful ways. Being honest is very healthy. God appreciates that.
You know this, but our culture has made singleness and purity seem like a disease (movies like American Pie, 40 Year Old Virgin, etc). Its not. And if you feed that lie/desire it will grow. Although life is full of moments of loneliness (especially in marriage)there is an elusive truth that the apostle Paul says he wishes everyone could be single (1 Cor. 7). Seems ridiculous or impossible to desire now, but the early church kept working at making the widows/singles feel loved and cared for. Meaning, in Christ, you cannot overcome loneliness on your own. It is a community ownership. So thank you for allowing us to come into your process. Our next step is to go from words of comfort to actions of love and truth...
Meaning, your invited over for supper!!!! We'll call. ;)
A story of a wise man and a student says that the wise man told the student that he had two great and fierce Lions fighting within him ... the Flesh and the Spirit. The student asked, "Which Lion will win the fight, Master?" The wise man replied, "Well, the one I feed."
God bless! P & M S (PMS lol I know)
Hey...I'm single too...can I come to dinner??? :o)
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