Running... this is my reality... Things get tough, I like to run... pretend that it is not happening, hide from it, shove my head in a hole... however you want to describe it, that is what I do... or what I did.
I don't want to run anymore... I am tired of it. It's not satisfying, it causes stress, my life gets filled with thoughts of everything crumbling down around me. Running to me, is like building my house on the sand... One good wave knocks it down and then I have to rebuild again and again and again.
So, what am I thinking about running away from you may ask? Well it's simple... responsibility. Many different ones, but the one I will focus on for now is the following one.
I was asked by my church to direct the children's midweek ministry a few months ago. I said I would do it. (This was an answer to a prayer. I had asked God to reveal to me whether or not this was something I should do when I had learned that the position was going to need to be filled. I had asked that God would allow someone to approach me about the position, if it was His will and if it was not that I would not be approached. I was not going to seek out the position myself.) I felt confident in my decision and was excited about the possibilities.
Then the doubts came... I had no experience at directing anything so why in the world why I would be able to do this. I am not smart enough, creative enough, wise enough, 'anything' enough to do this and I would let down the church, the pastors and the children.
Even as I write these words I can hear the lies of the enemy harassing me, agreeing with the statements. One part of me just wants to concede that yes in fact I am unworthy of this responsibility... I am not a leader and I don't know what I am doing. But I have decided at this moment and at the moments before that I am not going to run scared because of the lies of the enemy. I feel like this is a test in which the passing grade is not whether or not I succeed at directing the program but whether or not I choose to stand and fight the lies, with God's strength... not my own which has obviously failed me in the past.
I haven't been sleeping much the past weeks... Much to my dismay. I lay in bed and fret, my dreams are filled with failure, I wake up overwhelmed, scared and confused. Thankfully, it is at these moments that I remember to call out to the One who created me. In the middle day, I am too busy to sit and ponder and entertain these hurtful thoughts, but at night my mind is at liberty to wander to all the areas of my life that feel so out of control. At these moments it's decision time, float in the sea of dispair that threatens to engulf me or grab on to life raft. I want the LIFE raft.
The last week has been trying. I am fighting against the habit I have of running... It is not a habit that is breaking easily. Every fibre of me wants to call it quits, call the church tell them to find a new coordinator. But I am not going to do that and here is why. In this last week, the lies have been combatted with the truth. God has been revealing to me His truth.
First of all, through music, specifically one song that has been drummed in, over and over... Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns. When I start to doubt I have taken to listening to this song, singing as a prayer to my Savior. "
The voice of Truth says do not be afraid. The voice of Truth says this is for my glory and for all the voices calling out to me I will choose to believe the voice of Truth". It may seem a bit silly, but I have been listening to lies for a long time and I am just now starting to weed out the lies from the truth by comparing them to the Word.
Secondly, is a verse I read today... 1 Chronicles 28:20 "
Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished". Now, I am not building a temple like David was advising Solomon about but I am working for God's Kingdom and I feel assured that He is with me. I am going to hang on to this verse when the doubts creep in. I am going to listen to the Voice of Truth.
I ask now for your prayers as I face this battle. I share this struggle with you because I can't do this alone. Please lift me up in prayer and if there is something I can pray for in your life or help you with please don't hesitate to ask.
