For the past couple of months, the Bible study group I am in have been reading/praying through the Psalms and writing down what God is telling us through them. It has been very eye opening for me and as of this morning pretty emotional as well.
I struggle with pride... I don't like for people to see my weaknesses. I don't like people to know that I am hurting. I don't want people to see what I am struggling with. I will tell people superficially what is going on but I generally don't let anyone in to the deeper part of me... Why??? Embarassment... which equals pride. What might they think of me??? What if they don't like me any more??? What if they judge me??? This makes it really hard to develop friendships past the superficial level... I do have some friends who know more about me than most people but even they are not allowed into the inner most part of me. This probably stems from past hurts that have occurred in my life because I have, like most people, have had people stomp on me. There have been times when I have been vulnerable and others have used it against me later, thus I put up walls.
Now if I want to be completely honest... which I do... there is another reason for the walls I put up... and that is to block the view. I don't want people to see the weeds of destruction that have taken root in my life. If no one can see through the wall then I don't have to explain my weeds... Weeds that have or eventually will choke my spirtual life... will choke my walk with God... will eventually choke me, leaving me empty.
Now if this isn't destructive enough, I also try to build walls that God won't be able to see through... Ridiculous I know but true just the same. I pretend while I pray that everything is okay, I ask forgiveness but my spirit, my heart is not broken...
Well my friends, today, I hope to change that... Reading through the Psalms has revealed one great truth to me... God will not reject me. Though I am vile... though there are things in me that are disgusting, repungnant and downright unlovable God still loves me!!! Though my sins put a nail through His son's hand, God still loves me. There is nothing that I have done, or will do that will cause God to love me any less than He does right now. I can be true and honest with Him, keeping nothing "hidden" and He will still love me.
What does this truth do to me??? It drives me to my knees, praising Him, seeking His mercy in a way that has been entirely foreign to me for too long!!!! Because this powerful, perfect, magnificant God sees fit to love me... I have done nothing to deserve it, in fact I have done many things in which it would be entirely just for Him to hate me BUT still he loves me.
Mighty God, creator of all things. Thank you for your unfailing love which sustains me. I am nothing but a wretched sinner. I have nothing to offer to you except my love. There is nothing good in me except you. Lord take my life, weed out all the garbage that has taken root in it and use me for your glory. Help me Lord to overcome embarrassment and pride. Let me be true before you and true before my friends and true before the world. Fill this empty shell with goodness that only comes from you. Forgive me for trying to fill it up with things that must make your heart cry. I am tired of all things in this world that promise fulfillment but bring destruction. Thank you that you promise fulfillment and bring life. The road is long but with you as my guide I know that I can make it. Remind me daily, hourly, by the minute Lord to seek you. I pray Father that you would reveal to me every weed that is implanted in my soul, choking my spirit, making me ineffective for you. Father God, help me to die to self to live for you. Show me what it means to have true humility, a truly contrite heart. I don't want the comforts of the world if it is going to steal away the comfort I have in you alone. I want everything I am to be all about YOU! I pray this in your holy name, AMEN.
