God Given Guilt???

This week has been hard for me. I am not 100% sure why but I feel really unenthusiastic and lonely. The church that I go to has been in a real baby boom and while one part of me is really happy for all the couples a part of me is struggling against the green eyed monster. Yes, I admit it, I am jealous... No sense in hiding it. It ain't pretty but it is the truth and that is what I am aiming for here... The whole truth and nothing but.
I long (isn't that an old fashioned word) to have a husband. The companionship and the intimacy of marriage. Someone to share dreams with, worries with, joys with, sorrow with. I long for my daughter to have a father. A father who loves her with the fierce protective love that only a father can have for his little girl. Someone she can look up to, campare future boyfriends too.... (God, my heart breaks for her loss. Will this hearts desire of mine ever be fulfilled?)

It is so hard to know that she is growing up without a father because of my sin... I know that I am forgiven by God but will I ever be able forgive myself? The guilt I have seems so unsurmountable, yet I know it is not from God. How do I get past it? I don't know. (Lord, please show me the way to your peace, your forgiveness.)

How can the guilt not be awakened when she asks such innocent questions about the man who fathered her. It breaks my heart to hear it. Just a few days ago she asked me, "Where does my father on earth live?" And as time marches on, the way it must, I am sure her questions will become more frequent and more specific. (Lord give me the wisdom and strength to bear up under the weight of such necessary questions.)

And what about her earthly father? Is his heart not grieved knowing there is a little girl growing up, not knowing who he is? How can it not be? I don't understand his indifferance. And I don't understand God's firm no to me when I ask for her fathers involvement but I am truly learning to accept His ways and His will but don't be fooled... the battle of wills still rages inside me. (Father, God please bring someone into both of our lives to fill that void.... But I know better Lord. You are the filler of emptiness and no man could ever take that place fromm you. Don't let me be deceived. Without you, oh Lord I would truly be lost.)

Perhaps that is the problem... Perhaps I haven't let you in fully to fill the hole that is in me. Perhaps I am searching so hard for a temporary solution while the Lord offers a permanent one. He is truly the only one that can fill me up... Why do I try to run on empty? Even after four years, I still try to run on empty, until what is right becomes distorted to me and I look for other ways to fill the void. (How, oh my Lord do I turn it all over to you? Please Lord, show me the way to finally and forever surrender myself to you.)

I went to the Bible after this and read Psalms 118 and 119. These verses spoke to me, reemphasizing what I need to do... what will keep me filled with the good of my savior.

Psalm 118: 8 "It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man."

Psalm 119: 9 -11 "How can a young man keep his way pure? by living according to your word. I seek you with all my heart, do not let me stray from your commands. I have hidden your word in my heart that i might not sin against you."

Psalm 119: 28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word." Amen!

What's My Mission

Picture this... you are at home, sitting on your comfy couch reading a great book when you receive a package special delivery. Excitedly you open up your package only to find a single lone CD in the box. Puzzled you place the CD in your CD player and a voice deep, strong and kind resonates from the machine. It says, "This is your mission, should you choose to accept it." You lean in, keen to hear what your mission is and the CD does not fail. At the end of a very detailed plan of what you are suppose to be doing in this world the voice concludes by saying, "This CD will self destruct in 30 seconds". Life plans don't get any clearer than that and they don't get any further away from the truth either.
I wish that God spoke to me in such an unmistakable way, then maybe this feeling of uncertainty and confusion would lift. I wish that I knew what God had in store for me in this life. I wish that I could be sure that the life path I am currently on is the path that God wants for me. I truly believe that God has an appointment for everyone in life and everyone needs to step into the role that God has called them to in order to find fulfillment in what they do... but I just don't know how to tap into that information for my life. I want nothing more than to be serving my Savior wherever He wants me but I feel like a balloon blowing in the wind with no clear direction, just fluttering where the wind takes me, subject to change direction at any point, dependant on the weather.
Prayer of course is necessary to discovering what my mission is, as well as reading and studying God's Holy Word... but still I feel undirected in what my lifes work is to be... Perhaps God is not telling me right now because I need to be tested... tested in my faithfulness to discover the mission, and testing me in the area of trust... trusting in Him to guide me in His time and not mine, being faithful to Him in the time being... I don't know but I am curious to know how my life will be used to glorify the King.
The purpose of this blog is to capture parts of this walk of faith God is leading me on. For my own personal reflection as well as to inspire, encourage or help any one else who happens upon it. I pledge to be honest, leaving destructive pride at the door as I sit to write. I want the accounts to be truthful to what I am feeling and doing, whether or not the truth is pretty and flattering. I want to be honest before you and most importantly honest before God. Please feel free to write and comment on what I have written. Share you thoughts and insights and advice. Let's see together where this road leads us.

Who Am I really???

Now before you panic, don't worry... This is not going to be one of those tell every detail of your life kind of posts. Nobody cares that when I was a kid I had two cats named Ginger and cinnamon, except maybe my mom. I just thought that before I continued this blog that I would stop and tell you a bit about who I am... And by who I am I just mean the important stuff... The stuff that shapes all the choices, decisions and forms the core of who I am.... Here goes:

My teenage years were a mess... My parents had just split up and I felt torn between the two... I felt alone. I felt sad. I didn't feel as though I belonged anywhere and I didn't feel as though I deserved to be loved or accepted. I lived for Friday and Saturday nights when I could get drunk, high or both and for a few hours step away from myself only to crash into the next day still the same old me, just with a few extra things to feel bad about.

I moved away from home right after high school. For the next year and a half I lived with a close friend and her family. They were great people and they accepted me without any real reservations but still I felt alone. I got a boyfriend who was kind and who loved me; still I felt alone.

Most of my friends were already having sex and they "seemed" to be happy so I decided sex must be the key to filling the void. I really wanted it to be the key I was looking for so I jumped into a sexual relationship with my boyfriend but I still felt alone. As I searched for a way to fill the emptiness that was spreading throughout me, I made destructive choices, effectively ending the relationship between my boyfriend and I. I sought to escape my life and jumped into a lifestyle of bad choices with both feet only to end up a college drop out, pregnant and yet again alone and empty inside.

It was late one night, my 9 month old daughter tucked away into bed for the night when everything hit me... I didn't know who I was anymore, my life seemed meaningless. I knew there was a God and I had even asked Him to be a part of my life as a kid but He sure wasn't doing anything for me now, so what was the point? I was setting myself up for a major pity party when out of the corner of my eye I saw my army issued Bible. I can't give you any real reason why I picked it up that night except that I had the overwhelming feeling that this might be my last chance to find what was missing. I opened it to the Gospels and started reading. They were the same old stories I had heard as a kid but this time they felt relevant to me and I started to get excited as Jesus to be real to me again. I flipped through the books of the New Testament until I came to John 3:16, the only verse I had memorized as a child, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". I finally Got IT!!! I finally understood that Jesus came to pay the penalty for the wrong doings of the entire would; including me and that it was only through Him that I could have eternal life. But most importantly I realized that Jesus still loved me... It was truly a EUREKA moment. I was filled with such shame at all the disobedience in my life but with the shame I also felt hope... Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

So I closed my eyes and prayed, asking God for forgiveness and asking Him once again to be part of my life. And if this were a fairy tale story I could end by saying I lived happily ever after but life is not a fairy tale and my problems did not dissolve because I had found God... The only thing that changed was my outlook... I was no longer alone in my struggles. I had a deep sense of belonging to someone. Somebody cared deeply, passionately about me. That made all the difference. It was no longer me against the world but the creator of the world lovingly holding me up, guiding me through the world and all it's problems.

Everyday is not roses, and everyday I need to remember who is holding me up... As you will see in my next post.

So there you have it in a nutshell... Jesus is what makes me tick... What about you?

Poor and Needy

I wrote this entry originally in my personal journal on August 20 but feel compelled to share it here today.

Psalm 109:22 "For I am poor and needy, and my heart is wounded within me."

Despite the many times God has sustained me financially or otherwise I still panic when a crisis occurs. Thankfully God reminds me of His promise to never forsake me. Day by day, trial by trial God is growing my faith. He truly is the great protector. In the trial, when I feel at my most helpless, God is so generous and loving... If I had to deal people like me, doubters weak in faith, as God does I know the result would not be the same. I would have thrown my hands up in frustration and walked away from the ones with so little faith but God, lover of my soul, gently reminds me of how faithful He has always been to me... He soothes my worrying spirit and delivers me from the trial, in His own time. And at the end of it all, I look back and wonder why I was so worried. God had me covered the whole time. What an awesome God I serve.